I was making melt in your mouth sugar cookies last night along with pork tenderloin and some vegetables. I walked in the kitchen to find my husband piling his plate full of delicious food. He had tenderloin, corn, macaroni and cheese and my cookie batter on his plate. I gave him a strange look and he kept piling on the food.
He said, “What’s wrong with the potatoes?”
“You’re mashed potatoes. What did you use in them?”
Silly man had thought my cookie dough batter was mashed potatoes and just thought that I had royally effed them up. The crazy part…he was still considering eating them and if I had not caught him with them on his plate he would have taken a huge bite of mashed sugar dough “potatoes”. I was rolling!!!
When my 30th birthday was coming up, I was getting excited but tried not to show it.
I figured with it being a bit of a milestone, my husband would be doing something extra special to make my day bright. He told me to make sure I could leave work early and meet him for dinner at our favourite restaurant. I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head. We’d talked about going on an overseas trip so I thought maybe he’d be surprising me with this fantasy trip we’d talked about for so long. Well, we got to the restaurant and had a delicious meal. There was no mention of any trip or birthday present or anything during our conversation.
I started to think that maybe he hadn’t gotten me anything at all. But he assured me that he did have something special waiting for me in the car. We soon left the restaurant and were driving when he suddenly said he had to run an errand. He stopped the car at a hardware store and I just assumed he needed something for his job. But, no. That wasn’t it at all. When he got back in the car, he looked at me and said, “Happy Birthday. Enjoy.”
Then he tossed the bag over to me and I looked inside. There sitting in a paper bag was a shower head to replace the one that had broken in our bathroom! And to top it off, he looked so proud of himself. So now when my birthday rolls around, I keep my expectations low.
My husband and I had our first child recently. Our child had his first doctor’s appointment when he was a week old. We gathered his things and went to the appointment. After leaving the appointment, we gathered his things and returned home. I was still recovering from a C-section at the time. So, my husband was in charge of carrying the car seat for the time being. I got out of the car and shut the door. My husband got out of the car, pushed the door luck and shut the door. I just stared at him. He gave me one of those “What are you looking at me for?” looks.
I continued to stare at him and finally I asked him, “Did you forget something?” Eventually it hit him that he forgot to get the baby out of the back seat before locking the door. Needless to say he felt both embarrassed. Let’s just hope this doesn’t happen again.
A few years ago, I decided to throw a surprise 50th birthday party for John. I had been moderately successful for his big-3-0 and the scary-4-0, so I was worried that he might be expecting something. I had to get creative. His birthday is in January, and mine is in November.
VIOLA! I would throw HIS party on MY birthday, that way I could “fake plan” the worst night of his life, and then surprise him with the party of his dreams.
Now, you have to know that while John is a mostly wonderful husband, he’s a total guy kind of guy– a die hard fan of ESPN, “his” Giants, and cigars. He LOVES cigars. Luckily, we don’t live that far from Manhattan, which is a cigar mecca. For his birthday, I would find a cigar bar, invite twenty of our closest friends, rent a black jack table, and celebrate Macanudo-style.
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Last night my husband finally decided to do the cooking (it’s only been 20 years of marriage for him to make this offer). He’d been resisting of course as his culinary skills are terrible. He’d sooner throw the can of beans at the wall before figuring out that he could open the drawer for a can opener.
So, in his first attempt ever in the kitchen, he started by getting out a recipe book.
He got a saucepan, stuck it on the burner, and lit it.
What next? Oh, yes, fry the chicken. Did he chop it up? No, it was bloody terrible. You’d think that he would see how burnt it became but ALSO no. He added the spices and the sauce and attempted to stir.
He was meant to use Cous Cous. However, being a bloke, this wasn’t an option so he replaced my beautiful idea of a romantic meal with CHIPS!
Needless to say, the meal looked like what it should have been an hour after I digested it, brown, sticky, and pretty awful.
Bryan and I have been married only three weeks and have just moved in to our new apartment after our weeklong honeymoon.
We’re both young…in our 20’s but madly in love. Our parents (especially mine) are still not so sure we’re ready for this commitment, so we decided to try and convince them by inviting my parents over to our new apartment for a fabulous home cooked dinner.
Unfortunately I had a meeting at work come up at the last minute, which caused me a lot of stress, because dinner needed to be perfect (my parents are kind of picky), and Bryan does not cook. I have given him a very simple recipe of salmon and broccoli as a side, with very detailed instructions on how to do it, but I was still a bit worried.
I really wanted dinner to be perfect because my parents are nice, but a little stiff and it’s hard to get them to loosen up and enjoy themselves.
My husband had done little but play video games since he was given a Wii for his birthday. For some reason, he took a strange liking toward a fast food based video game called “Drive Thru.”
Intent on setting high score after high score, he would eat all the burgers in the maze while eating real hamburgers that I’d cooked for him. This beef intensive diet was causing me to worry about his physical health as well.
The questions began to mount in my mind.
“Perhaps he’s acting out some childhood lack of fun and adventure?”
“Perhaps it’s the smell of healthy food that I’ve been eating that made him snap.”
“Has he even snapped yet?”
“Maybe he doesn’t know what’s real anymore!”
At first my concerns weren’t taken seriously. He would lay his controller-blistered hand on my hand to comfort me. But, eventually I became more persistent in my questioning. And he finally became more serious in his answers.
“Do you realize I might be the best player in the world?” he asked inquisitively. “How many people do you know that are the best at something?”
I had a slightly different view of him. He saw himself as a conqueror, achieving new heights with every sit-down. I saw him as a guy on a couch, covered in fallen sesame seed bun crumbs.
This might call for some drastic action. I soon started swapping the ground beef for veggie burgers to make his diet a bit more stable. He didn’t seem to notice the change through his intense frame of mind.
And as for the game, well, the “deep fry high” seems to finally be wearing off for him. He’s down to an every other day “Drive Thru” habit.
Our lawnmower has been broken for a few weeks now. My husband has been begging me to consider going to look at and purchase a new one. I want to get him a lawnmower, but something else always seems to break and get in the way first: the car, the truck, the washer, the dryer or the television. It never seems to fail. As soon as we want to go out and purchase a new lawnmower, something else comes up that we need to buy first or that I consider being more important.
One day I came home from work to find my husband trying to plead his case in regards to getting a new lawnmower. He was sitting in our yard cutting grass with a pair of scissors. I went in the house and returned outside a few minutes later with a toothbrush in hand. “Do you think you can sweep the driveway when you are finished with the grass?” I asked handing him the toothbrush. Needless to say, his plea did not get the reaction he wanted.
My three kids had been begging for a dog for years so this Christmas we finally caved in and decided to buy one. We spent three hours at a nearby shelter “interviewing” all the dogs. There were so many cute dogs, but there was one in particular that crawled into our hearts.
He was a beautiful, soft, golden retriever puppy. The kids were thrilled. We were told to wait until the next day so the dog could have his final checkup. I sent my husband to the shelter bright and early the next morning to pick up our new puppy.
When he got home, we all ran to the car to greet our new family member. To our huge surprise, we were not greeted by a golden retriever puppy but by some large animal that looked like a pit bull. You can imagine the hysteria from the kids. My husband didn’t understand….he said, “what do you mean, this is the same dog.”. We thought he was kidding but the look on his face was pure confusion.
When we not so calmly explained that this fierce looking pit bull type dog wasn’t even close to our cute little retriever puppy, he said he understood and rushed back to the shelter to pickup our dog. We ended up getting the right dog, but who confuses a mangy looking pit bull with a golden retriever puppy?